Collision Course

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
ROMANS 12:2

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I started to write a post back in October based on a poem I was writing called “Skeletons in the Closet”, but could not quite bring myself to complete it. You see, the last week of October 2017, I was in a head-on collision with reality – thanks to a doctor that I drove over an hour and half to get to, and had been waiting for over six months to visit. By the love of God – she refused to take me on as a patient, due to a condition I have had since the age of 14 – my eighth grade year of junior high. To say that this doctor’s decision was a shock to me is an understatement.

I am not quite sure what brought on this ailment, and dwelling too long on its onset does not erase the fact that it has existed with me in some shape or form for 36 years – a thought that is staggering to me and still difficult to get my mind around (I mean really – did you ever think you would say you did/had anything for 36 years?!?!?). How could this even be possible???!!! I thought I had slayed this hideous dragon when I was 18! After about a week of trying to digest the rejection of this doctor to become her patient, and doing alot of reading and internet searching to prove that I was right and she was wrong — I was forced to realize that SHE was right – that dragon never really left me. It just morphed itself into a different version of its earlier self, and still clung to me like my own skin. Like so many young girls and women in our society, I had “succumbed to the behaviors and customs of this world”, causing myself to carry a burden alone that was too embarassing to talk about to anyone – never feeling like I was “enough (fill in the blank here)” — a good enough daughter, a good enough wife, a good enough mother — skinny enough, pretty enough, good enough, successful enough … you get the picture.

This Bible verse collided with me today as I went about my daily routines in an email from my Bible app, and immediately wrote itself on my heart for 2018. Alot has transpired since that initial realization in October 2017. Again by the grace of God, I have been working to set myself aside and “let God transform me into a new person by changing the way I think.” There have been a lot of helps along the way letting me know I am on the right path – new people in my life that will mention in conversation they are battling the same condition I am;  a Women’s Encounter at church about two weeks after my doctor visit that gave me so much insight into the “why” side of things which started me down a road of self-acceptance and realizing I AM enough– just as I am today and in this very moment; a book my oldest daughter bought me for Christmas entitled “The Self-Love Experiment” by Shannon Kaiser; the women that have entered my life through New Life that are amazingly supportive and help me see myself through a lens of unconditional love. All of these pieces have been like precious breadcrumbs leading me on my road to recovery. In one really challenging moment, I was trying to list all of the things I like about myself — and I sat in a chair with an absolute blank piece of paper while tears quietly left their trail down my cheeks. My eldest entered the room and of course asked what was wrong. I explained, “I’m supposed to be writing all the things I like about myself, and I got nothing…” as my voice cracked and wavered. She just smiled at me and said “We got this Mom! I will love you enough for both of us until you are ready to love yourself,” melting my heart as I thought to myself, “How did I get so lucky to have raised such a phenomenal woman?!”

So – with the onset of 2018 and this verse today – I know this is the time — my  time to let go —  let God transform me into a new person by changing the way I think, and enter this second half of my life without my ugly dragon clinging to me …

Skeletons in the Closet

I pass you on the sidewalk

an image of perfection

Pulled/stitched together

With your leather bag

and designer shoes.

No one would ever guess

the skeletons lurking in your closet.

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Behind those manicured nails

and perfect hair

in the deep dark recesses of the wardrobe of your life

a thin finger tip slips

hidden behind the hemlines

under the shoe boxes

beneath the silk scarves

catching the corner of my eye. Am I really seeing that?

abused – an eating disorder – abandoned- bullied- broken

Exposed

If for only

a moment

before

Neatly being tucked away from view

that skeleton is always lurking

In Waiting

ready to slip its bony finger through your mirage of perfection.

What would happen

if more bones tumbled from this spot —

Would everything fall apart?

And bring your pristene world crashing down.

Or — would you learn to face your dragons

releasing them and setting yourself free from their bondage?

Open that door

With Faith

and Love,

and Let Go …

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